A little philosophical rant I penned a few back.

It is 11:30PM and I should be heading off to slumber for I have work in the morning. As usual before bed my mind starts tumbling about discussions I have had that day with friends and family and the unending stream of news I have seen on the wonderful and completely unbiased media we have in our world which feeds us which seems like honest reporting and indoctrinating into our minds what is right. Of course this is sarcasm, just like everything else in life any kind of information is skewed and contorted by the eye of the beholder and a point of view, which by the by is only right or wrong depending on which side of the proverbial fence you sit on that gives you that point of view. On this night I have decided to do which I have always told myself to do but always found some excuse or distraction that prevents me from doing so, I am writing it down and not only writing it down but hopefully sharing it with others around me.

On this particular night the string of discussions and past discussions that set off this domino effect of firing synapses in my mind are unusual for me. The first being a discussion with my brother. Now at this moment he is going through a difficult set of circumstances that would by right make anyone feel depressed and moody. Out of respect for my brother's privacy I am not going to describe his current problem but I can still go into the broader scope of my philosophical musing without breaking that privacy.

The course of our discussion brought us to the topic of self-confidence. I for a long time have been a person of extreme self-confidence. This self-confidence does not come from a string of successes and accomplishment when in fact I have made many mistakes in my life and continue making some mistakes that although are disappointing have not and hopefully will never allow me to lose confidence in myself. My brother on the other hand does not have this same trait. He, to be totally honest, has made far fewer mistakes in his life than I have and although he is four years my junior has experienced many things in life that I have at this time been unable to experience. Most people looking at us can see the familial relation and can see we are not that different in appearance save the fact he is thinner than I am. Then how, I found myself asking, do I have more self-confidence than he does when he has his whole life ahead of him and with knowing the events I have gone through in my life a better head start than I had?

I explained to my brother that with his particular problem as well as just about everything one does in the course of his life is decided by how much of the said confidence one has. Any professional athlete will tell you that if they did not have the confidence in their ability, skill, or what have you they would never have been able to reach the heights of success they currently possess. Of course we cannot fool ourselves to believe that confidence alone will bring success, happiness, and fulfillment however we can say with a fair amount of certainty that ability without the confidence to utilize that ability will definitely slow, curb, or completely shut down any hope of success. Therefore one can rightfully come to the conclusion that confidence plays a large part of moving forward in life. This or course as I said earlier is the confidence in one's self.

This query inexorably lead me to the deeper question of 'what is self'? The word confidence is for the most part easily understood and if you go with the face value of the prefix 'self' it is simply confidence in one's self which is merely answering a question using the same word that fashioned the original question. Does self simply convey the meaning 'me'? What does that mean? Does it mean the 'self' I see in the mirror? Is the 'self' I fashion in my own mind which just like the aforementioned media is completely skewed by my own point of view or is 'self' in fact the complete contradictory by being defined by the way the world views me which is also skewed multiple times like a proverbial kaleidoscope by a multitude of point of views of all the people I come in contact on a daily basis? Either way I come upon a conundrum of conscience by realizing something that should be as simple as 'self' becomes vague, hazy, and a philosophical and perhaps unsure term.

The only point of reference I can use is my categorically and systematically attempting to break down what my own "self" is while forcing myself to do this in an unbiased fashion. Merriam Webster defines self as the following:

1 a: the entire person of an individual b: the realization or embodiment of an abstraction

2 a (1): an individual's typical character or behavior <her true="" self="" was="" revealed=""> (2): an individual's temporary behavior or character <his better="" self=""> b: a person in prime condition <feel like="" my="" old="" self="" today="">

3: the union of elements (as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person

4: personal interest or advantage

5: material that is part of an individual organism <ability of="" the="" immune="" system="" to="" distinguish="" self="" from="" nonself="">

All of these are fair definitions, the first being the most concise "the entire person of an individual". I say this because all of those definitions utilize the word or form of the word individual. However they do not answer the question what is self for they merely replace that word with the word individual which is defined as the following:

1 obsolete : inseparable

2 a: of, relating to, or distinctively associated with an individual <an individual="" effort=""> b: being an individual or existing as an indivisible whole c: intended for one person <an individual="" serving="">

3: existing as a distinct entity : separate

4: having marked individuality <an individual="" style="">

Now I know I may be completely boring any reader of this to tears with the definitions but they must be addressed in order to show how we are seemingly unable to define the terms. Self is an individual and an individual is something inseparable, whole, and a distinct entity. Therefore this tells us each person is in no uncertain terms completely different from every other person which in of itself is a total fallacy. While it is clearly obvious that human beings are genetically and physically unique from one another we all should be plainly aware that self is a state of mind, which unless we were all born in a bubble thoroughly devoid of any human contact, is a series of learned, copied, and conglomeration of those raising us, those we come in contact with, and all the events we experience with those variables.

So with that being said how is "self" the embodiment or entirety of a solitary individual? Our brain soaks up information, images, ideas, experiences from the countless of other "selves" we come in contact with, observe, and either dispose of or emulate who have soaked up those particular bits of information, images, ideas, experiences from even more other "selves" so on and so forth ad infinitum. It is not logical to say "self" is synonymous with individuality. The only true "self" or "individual" would be someone who not only has never had any type of contact with lifeforms, places, or things but would also embody every type of trait a human being can have all at the same time and space because only then would that person be a "whole". We cannot be whole if we are an amalgam of traits and personalities of what we picked up as we go through life discarding or emulating whichever traits and personalities we see fit to define ourselves because we are nothing more than a patchwork of prior people.

This leads us further down the rabbit hole because we come to the realization that we are not unique but rather we are not unlike a Mr. Potato Head filling the daireair of our spud like cores with this or that part we like the most and sticking on the angry eyes or the full lips depending on the situation before us without realizing everyone else is drawing those parts from the same basket. What also destroys the concept of self even more is that not a one of us can wear all those parts at the same time to be a "whole" we can only mix and match the parts to best fit into our society every now and then using a different part to make us just a little different so we can feel special and not just a part of the crowd. 

Ah ha! The word that has been waiting to peak its ugly head finally did so in that last musing; society. Society, whichever one you are a part of, is the embodiment of the anti-self. It is what many times decides for us which parts are best for us to draw from that basket and is indoctrinated in our minds from birth. It is what is described by many as the destroyer of self, forcing people to conform to this or that standard. If we think this through logically this cannot be true either. All society is a basket of parts that is not infinite, meaning it can only hold so many parts. However if you look to the basket to the left or the right it has some parts the last basket does not have and so forth. Once you make your way around through all the baskets you realize that every single part is there just in different baskets. You can simply move to the next basket of the last one does not suit you. The only people that have a problem with this are those that want to wear every part simultaneously which we have already concluded is impossible for a human being to do or those that do not have the means or the will power to move to the next basket. While the latter is unfortunate it must be understood that again none of those parts are truly yours to begin with, they were all laid out there from those before us.

Unfortunately I must end this rant at this time. It has become far too late into the night for me to continue this. My only hope is that I can retain enough of my train of thought to continue this on the morrow. For those that read, I bid you adieu for now.